Category: Explaining death to children

RESOURCES

• Online Resources to explain death:
  • https://sesamestreetformilitaryfamilies.org/topic/grief/?ytid=XI4-8ZQ1PRE
  • https://www.npr.org/2019/04/24/716702066/death-talking-with-kids-about-the-end

• Books on death:
  • These books are some of my favorites to explain death to children especially “The Invisible String.”
  • https://www.scholastic.com/parents/books-and-reading/raise-a-reader-blog/7-touching-books-to-help-kids-understand-death-and-grief.html
  • Books broken down by developmental age:
    • https://www.agrace.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Recommended_Books_about_Grief_for_Children_and_Teens.pdf
  • My absolute favorite way to explain death is “The Water Bug and the Dragonfly.” I often will explain what death is in concrete terms and follow up with this story. See attachment below.

• How to explain things to children:
  • Use concrete terms like, “death.”
  • Do NOT say going “bye-bye” or “going to sleep” as these terms will cause anxiety every time you or her father go bye-bye or when your child goes to bed.
  • Explain that death means that their body stopped working. They may not quite understand it yet developmentally, but it is important to be very concrete and short with your explanations. 
  • Be prepared for your child to ask where their loved one is or when will they see their loved one again. This is due to not understanding the permanency of death yet and they probably won’t truly grasp the permanency until adolescence.  

• Common Reactions:
  • These are some common reactions to loss/change in this age group:
    • Being clingy
    • Sleeping more or less than usual
    • Crying more easily
    • Attachment regression
    • Toileting regression

• Remember to model your grief. Your child may not fully understand what is happening, but they will pick up on every emotion and tension that you are feeling, and this will influence their behavior as well.

• Try to keep other changes to a minimum during this time. Daily routines, structure is imperative for them right now.

• Memorial Services:
  • Include your child.
  • Explain the memorial services you are going to plan.
  • Provide them with information on what they can expect at the service. 
    • “You may see people who are sad or crying.”
    • If there is an open casket, and you decide to allow them to see their loved one, it is important that you do so privately with your partner and reiterate what death means.
  • Allow them to participate
  • Draw a picture to put up during the service
  • Pick out flowers to have at the front of the service
  • Help them light a candle

• Grieving/Memorializing:
  • Make a memory box together where they can out things that will remind them of their loved one- pictures, drawings, notes, etc. Allow them to decorate the box. Explain it is a way to always remember their loved one.